As I sit here in silence much like I did the early morning before you were born I can't help but remember such a calm yet exciting feeling. I awoke just shy of three a.m. feeling what I knew were "real" contractions yet I didn't believe it. I actually was so sure yet so in denial I went downstairs to sit on the yoga ball without waking your father. I didn't want to be that person that woke everyone up and it wasn't actually time. As a hour passed I started to realize you were going to be born that day so I texted your aunt Jessie and tried to wake your dad. He kept sleeping. She arrived maybe around 5:30 I don't quite recall? That's my fault for doing this letter many days past when I intended to. During that time lapse I tried to soak in our regular bathtub with the music lightly playing to Zac Brown Band but with no such luck the discomfort kept coming.
Once she arrived we talked a bit about what I wanted and what energy I wanted to send into my environment. She started timing the contractions and we decided to wake your father once more. When he came down stairs he made me some eggs and toast to encourage me to eat before things started getting to intense, Jessica called the midwives, my clients which I had planned to see that day (yes i worked up until the day before I had you) and my boss. At some point your father woke up uncle Red (Brett) and discussed a plan to get Jack out of the house as things started to transition, we contacted your grandmother so she could head over from Wisconsin.
I labored much of the time in on a semi toddler-twin size bed in your brother’s room. It was quite, dim and I was able to hold onto the iron frame. Aunt Jessica continued to track the contractions and really encouraged our midwives to make thier way over as well as the two photographers we had. Your dad did many different things in between supporting me such as getting the tub ready, the birthing supplies, water for me to drink etc. Jessica was such an incrediable help, tool, and support during this entire time. During your entire birth. I was so far beyond blessed to have her present and in good spirts. I labored fairly well if I don't say so myself. The contractions started to really pick up and I felt as though there was no break in sight. We did some tension release with a huge peice of fabric, your dad and her supported my belly to allow my back a bit of rest. This labor was so different from Jack. Jack was all "back labor" and everyone told me that was so much "worse" then regular. No. Not for your mom. Your labor got intense, real intense. During the laboring portion in the bedroom I remember having "control" over my breathing, my actions, my thoughts. That changed quickly. During this time, I asked to be checked once so I knew that I was going to see you soon. I needed that hope to give me strengh to keep going. Knowing it was all worth it and you would be here after such a long wait.
Once I entered the birth tub I did not want to eat, I did not want to drink, I felt dazed almost weak. I recall so vividly laying against the side of the pool facing Jessica and the dining room wall saying and thinking I can't do this. I can't. I can't. I knew I could. I knew I was. But the contracitons were just so addmant. I wasn't in labor long with you, from start to finish it was less than nine hours but it felt like eternity. At this point, your brother Jack was at the coffee shop with uncle Red, Grandma in route to Minneapolis, the midwives were present, both birth photographers were present, your dog sophia was in the basement and your father had entered the tub with me. Things were falling into place but I was falling out.
They tried to feed me berries. By try I mean your dad made me eat few berries. A spoon full of honey. Water. To get my body ready to push. When the pushing stage came I was completly "out of control" I lost my breathing focus, my vocals went from deep and purposeful to loud and non-useful. I tried to lay against your dad with my belly out of the water, swaying side to side, flowing through each contraction, pushing my feet against the side; but it wasn't enough. I remember my water breaking and me saying "is he coming?" something just happened! I was excited at that point knowing my dream homebirth was soon going to result in seeing you for the first time. Many things happened during the time in the birth tub; I was heavily relying on your father to support me from under the arms, to rub my back when I was up against the tub. I was relient on Jessie to give me ice, rags with ice cold water on me. I remember that being the only thing that kept me "in the moment" present in a sense. She walked to the kitchen once and I complety freaked out, yelling for her to come back! I eventually turned over so my belly layed against your dads lap and my arms were swung around his neck, yet hardly holding myself up. I pushed there for a few short minutes (?) I don't recall how long really but it was time!
The midwife was looking with a mirror and said "I see his head he has hair!", then your head was out. I waited for the next contraction and you were born. Put directly into your father’s arms! It was everything I had hoped for in a home birth; a support system so strong and loving. Your father home with us having this experience of his little boy being born. I was over joyed. Our midwife assisted you with some breaths since you weren't crying and were covered thick with Vernix. Everything regarding those few minutes are a blur. I passed the placenta with no issues, and remained in the tub for sometime before deciding to make our way to the couch so you could nurse. After that your brother and grandmother arrived; and it was love. Seeing jack look at you nearly melted my heart. Having your grandma present for another baby was a blessing. Uncle Red being so involved in your life from that moment on means the world to me.
I know that I lost so many details in writing this a little later than planned but I think these pictures speak for themselves and I think the important thing is I fullfilled my dream of having a successful natural homebirth and another healthy little man. I wouldn't change anything about how that day went. Of course I would have liked to have been more "in control" towards the end and I wanted to do that to make your dad proud. But I knew/know he is proud nonetheless.
Thank you for being the perfect addition to our family and making the enterance I so desiered.
Love always, your Mom.